Here’s Your Girlfriend’s Hot and Cold Behavior Explained in 4 Stages (2024)

Is your girlfriend giving you “hot and cold” behavior?

Your girlfriend’s hot and cold behavior is explained by a cycle.

This cycle can play out multiple times during the course of a relationship… and in this post I’ll try to shine some light into it.

I will clearly explain it to you, so that it “clicks” in your brain.

Below I will go through 2 case studies where a woman goes cold, or breaks up with the guy… but then comes back and things are fine again… only to go cold yet again.

Sometimes a woman goes cold and you lose her forever… so I want to show you how to get her to remain in the “hot” part of the cycle, and not get too “cold” anymore.

Ok let’s begin with the first question.

Table of Contents

  • ***Question From a Reader***
  • >>>My Reply
    • How Men Make Women Go Permanently Cold (Avoid This)
  • ***Question From a Reader***
  • >>>My Reply
  • Being a Man on Your Purpose
  • What to do Now:
    • 1. Read my FREE “7 Dangerous Mistakes That Stop You From Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back” eBook
    • 2. Learn How to Use the “Ex Factor” to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

***Question From a Reader***

Ex Girlfriend Displaying Hot and Cold Behavior

Hi Frankie,

My ex wants to hangout with me & seems very affectionate when we physically meet.

She kisses me, holds my hand, cuddles with me… etc.

But today she cancelled our date. She said she doesn’t want to have sex, and I didn’t even reply.

In the past, she previously tried to friend zone me as well. How should I handle this?

Thanks,
Bill

>>>My Reply

Hey Bill, sounds like you’re getting some hot and cold behavior from her.

One day she wants to see you and acts sweet and affectionate.

Another day she acts flaky and always seems to have an excuse.

To fix this, I suggest letting her come to you.

See, a girl’s hot and cold cycle often happens in the following stages:

Stage 1. Girl is eager to see you, which leads to a date that goes great

Stage 2. You hang out a lot and contact her a little too much

Stage 3. Too much contact here causes her to feel smothered and want space

Stage 4. So you decide to take a step back

Stage 1. Now after she gets her space, she feels eager to see you again and you restart the cycle.

Now the fix to avoid stage 2 and 3 is to create space in between dates.

Because the formula to create “mystery” is to spend quality time together, but then create space in between dates.

So when you go home after spending time with her, go back to your life, work on your life purpose, or socialize with other people.

Don’t contact her at all, let her be the one to reach out first.

Let her be the one who feels she can’t wait to see you again.

If you just went out with her the day before, it’ll probably take longer for the girl to miss you and reach out.

During this time, be “ok” with spending several days no contact. Get comfortable with it.

Most guys can’t handle it and they do something to break the space.

But you will act differently. Create space until she’s the one who gets the urge to reach out.

See, we men can fall into a trap when a girl acts warm and affectionate. She makes us feel like her love is guaranteed… which leads us into the trap of contacting her a lot and smothering her.

This then pushes her away and makes us realize that her affection is not, in fact, guaranteed.

Similarly, your girl right now has pulled away (stage 3)… so you must take a step back and wait for her to reach out again (stage 4).

When she does, don’t talk about feelings or relationship labels.

Only focus on fun lighthearted stuff. Hang out, have fun, and hookup.

How Men Make Women Go Permanently Cold (Avoid This)

If a woman pulls away (stage 3)… and you desperately attempt a big move on her instead of giving her space, this can push her away even further and it’ll take longer for the “hot” stage of the cycle to come back (if at all).

This is one of the three traps to avoid when a girl is acting distant.

***Question From a Reader***

“My Girlfriend’s Hot and Cold Behavior Confuses Me”

Good day Frankie.

My girlfriend has started to act distant the past couple of days.

I asked her yesterday what is wrong and she said nothing is wrong.

And I know something is definitely wrong because this has happened about six months ago when I chased her and she ended up breaking up with me.

She contacted me a couple of weeks later saying she misses me and we got back together.

She called me this morning and we talked as though everything was fine.

But we haven’t spoken ever since and I don’t know what to do.

Hope you can assist.

Kyle

>>>My Reply

Hey Kyle,

Reading the 7 dangerous mistakes report is a must.

In the past when your girlfriend went cold, you chased too much and it led to the break up.

This was expected.

Right now your girlfriend is distant again, so don’t chase like you did last time, or she’ll break up with you again.

See, right now she’s at a stage where she’s fading and seeks space. If you crowd her space, she’s going to fade away even more.

Starting IMMEDIATELY, stop asking her “what’s wrong”… and stop bringing up topics about her feelings.

Instead, give her space and go no contact until she reaches out. Let her come to you first.

If you get the urge to contact her, come back and read this email so that it gives you a virtual slap in the face and knocks some sense into you.

Now I bet what you’re thinking… “If I don’t contact her at all, won’t I surely fade away from her mind?”.

That is a common, but false trick our brain plays on us.

Unfortunately, this illusion leads men all over the world to chase fading girls and push them away for good. The potential relationship gets lost forever.

See when a woman pulls away, she is testing your strength.

She wants to know how strong you are.

Trust that giving her space is the prescription when she’s fading, and remain in no contact until she reaches out. (Don’t ignore her if she messages you)

She wants to trust that your masculine core doesn’t bend easily.

So in situations where she pulls back and stops giving you validation, she sees how you’ll react.

Do you stay on your path and barely move… or do you get knocked off balance, act desperate, and bend down like a submissive puppy who wants a pat on the head?

She wants to know you will be strong for her in real emergency situations. She’ll think “If you become weak when a girl stops giving you attention, how could you handle a real crisis?”

Now this all gets easier when you have a purpose in life that keeps your thoughts focused.

Being a Man on Your Purpose

Purpose: Whether it’s your career, your business, a hobby, a passion, a project you’re working on… the science lab in your garage…

It is your purpose, mission, journey, or vision that you work towards in the future.

Whatever it is, it keeps you busy and your thoughts focused.

And women love this.

Women want a guy who’s busy working on something like this.

They want a man on a mission… that they can admire and be inspired by and tag along in their journey.

A purpose keeps your emotions anchored because you just don’t have time to obsess and feel bad when a girl stops giving you attention.

A purpose keeps you naturally busy with sh*t to do.

When you have a purpose to work towards, your mind isn’t idle. You’re not just sitting there alone with nothing to do… having your mind wander off to overly obsess about the girl you really like.

A purpose keeps this from happening, and it keeps you from texting a girl every single day because you have nothing better to do.

Instead, you naturally create space for her to think about you when you’re away… and it gives her the opportunity to fall in love with you.

What to do Now:

1. Read my FREE “7 Dangerous Mistakes That Stop You From Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back” eBook

Click Here to Sign Up to Get This Free eBook By Email, Instantly

2. Learn How to Use the “Ex Factor” to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

Take 5 minutes to watch this video that teaches you a few little-known techniques to re-wire your ex’s feelings and make her want you back.

Here’s Your Girlfriend’s Hot and Cold Behavior Explained in 4 Stages (2024)

FAQs

What does it mean when my girlfriend is hot and cold? ›

There are many reasons a person blows hot and cold. It could be that they are not ready for a committed relationship; they don't know what they want; they are not sure what to do about their intense feelings for you; or they are emotionally unstable or unavailable.

What is hot and cold behavior in relationships? ›

A hot and cold player reverts to cold as the norm, with bursts of hot that don't result in forward movement. The root cause of this behavior is a desperate attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable; love. It's a way to feel love without getting hurt.

What are examples of hot and cold behavior? ›

Here are some typical examples of hot and cold behaviour to look out for:
  • 20 texts a day have whittled down to three a week.
  • The texts you do get are straight to the point and sans kisses.
  • They've stopped trying to impress you. ...
  • You're doing all the chasing. ...
  • You have no freakin' clue when you'll see them again.
Dec 31, 2021

What is the hot and cold method? ›

Hot and cold therapy, also known as contrast therapy, involves alternating between periods of hot and cold to maximize the benefits of both as a recovery method to treat physical pain, injuries, and soreness.

What is the psychology behind blowing hot and cold? ›

Hot and cold behaviour is a manifestation of mixed signals — some indication that a person likes us, followed by something that can be interpreted as the opposite. That word interpreted is crucial because these signals can be real or imaginary — you are the person who assigns meaning to them.

Why is she acting cold towards me? ›

A woman might give you the cold shoulder if she's hurt or upset. She might also give you the cold shoulder if the relationship is moving too fast or she's not interested in you anymore. To handle the cold shoulder, open the line of communication and ask her about it.

Is hot and cold behavior manipulative? ›

This is an expression that I use to describe a form of behaviour that is both manipulative and destructive. If it is easily spotted, you can break yourself from the destructive cycle.

How do you respond to hot and cold behavior? ›

Tips to bear in mind when dating a hot and cold guy
  1. Don't come across as desperate. Resist the temptation to chase him, act unaffected when he acts cold. ...
  2. Give space – It's sometimes the best way to communicate. ...
  3. Flip the game of the hot and cold guy. ...
  4. Understand that you are not the problem. ...
  5. Confront, back off, and move on.
Jul 28, 2021

Why does a girl pull away? ›

“Some women pull away because they want to keep a relationship within a certain boundary (such as not exclusive), and they're catching feelings and can't handle it,” explains Bennett. If you think she may be afraid of feeling too strongly too soon, try to talk to her and put her mind at ease.

Why hot and cold behavior is addicting? ›

Whether conscious or unconscious, hot and cold behaviour usually activates a cycle of longing and pursuit in a person. It is a tactic used because it sustains a level of uncertainty and of course, interest.

How do you deal with a hot and cold girl? ›

What to Do if She's Hot and Cold
  1. Avoid being pushy. Don't cry, whine, complain when she's hot and cold with you. ...
  2. Don't be quick to jump to conclusions. Give her the benefit of the doubt. ...
  3. Give her time. There's nothing wrong about playing cool with women. ...
  4. Re-engage (always)
Apr 24, 2023

Why is my partner so cold towards me? ›

Common Reasons Your Boyfriend May Be Distant

He may be stressed about things in other areas of his life, like work or family, that are occupying his mind. Your boyfriend might need space to evaluate his feelings and commitment to the relationship. He could be worried about a friend or family member in trouble.

How do you react to a hot and cold friend? ›

Suggestions for dealing with a hot and cold friendship:

Back off a bit. Remain friends but lower your expectations of closeness so you aren't disappointed. You might still see each other and pursue shared interests you both enjoy.

What comes first hot and cold therapy? ›

Rule of thumb for most injuries: Ice first, heat later. But avoid using them in tandem except as directed by a health care provider, Jake said. Most injuries cause your body to react with inflammation and swelling. Ice is used to cool down the injured joint or tissue and reduce swelling.

What is the hot cold empathy effect? ›

A hot-cold empathy gap is a cognitive bias in which people underestimate the influences of visceral drives on their own attitudes, preferences, and behaviors. It is a type of empathy gap. The most important aspect of this idea is that human understanding is "state-dependent".

When a man is emotionally unavailable? ›

An emotionally unavailable man has a difficult time knowing how to engage in the real-stuff conversations. In some instances, he may have some capacity to listen, but is emotionally shutting that part of himself down so that you don't get too close. If that's the case, you will likely feel shut down and alone.

What to do if the relationship is not working? ›

5 WAYS TO REPAIR A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP
  1. TALK TO EACH OTHER. The first step to improving any relationship is effective communication: ...
  2. TALK TO OTHERS. ...
  3. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR DIFFERENCES. ...
  4. EDUCATE YOURSELF. ...
  5. CONSIDER GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.

Is she testing you or not interested? ›

She will test you by not texting back immediately or keeping from initiating a conversation. This is a sign that she wants to see your interest in talking to her. She wants to see if you are trying to reach out to her. Sometimes, she may play hard to get to see if you will stick around.

Why is she distancing herself from me? ›

When a girl suddenly becomes distant, it means she saw something or maybe heard something that scared her, or she just felt that you were not genuine with her and she's taking a step back to make sure you're not fooling her. 2. She thinks you're not interested.

Should you pull away when she pulls away? ›

If a girl pulls away, you should give her space when she pulls away. Allow her to figure things out. Avoid pushing or pressuring her to spend time with you or communicate if she's not ready. Instead, focus on your emotions.

What are 3 signs that someone is trying to manipulate you? ›

Signs of Manipulation
  • They know your weaknesses and how to exploit them.
  • They use your insecurities against you.
  • They convince you to give up something important to you, to make you more dependent on them.
  • If they succeed in their manipulation, they will continue to do so until you get out of the situation.
Apr 3, 2023

What are key signs your being manipulated? ›

Signs of emotional manipulation include gaslighting, passive aggression, and more. A manipulator may also use your insecurities against you so that they can control you. A sinister sign can also be moving goalposts — when your partner keeps changing their expectations.

What to do when someone is giving you mixed signals? ›

15 Ways to Deal with Mixed Signals
  1. Don't jump to conclusions or assume anything. ...
  2. Take off your blinders. ...
  3. Don't take it personally. ...
  4. Back off. ...
  5. Believe what you're told (until convinced you shouldn't). ...
  6. Realize the other person may have issues going on. ...
  7. Don't be demanding. ...
  8. Recognize the emotional tug-of-war that can happen.
Oct 24, 2014

How a guarded girl tests you? ›

She may suddenly cancel plans, make you impatient, dig into your past, or constantly text you. Though it can be tough to understand her behavior, these could be signs she is testing you. It is important not to feel enraged or offended as a woman may test only the man she likes and wants in her life.

What to do when someone is acting cold towards you? ›

We turned to psychotherapist Nicole McCance to find out what to do when a friend is acting distant for what feels like no reason.
  1. Take time to reflect. ...
  2. Ask your friend about what happened. ...
  3. Don't take it personally. ...
  4. Don't gossip about your friend. ...
  5. Let it go. ...
  6. Do something fun together.

How do I know she's losing interest? ›

1) She's Taking Her Time to Respond to Your Texts or Calls

If your woman is taking a long time to respond to your texts or calls, then she is losing interest in you. It's a sign that she doesn't find you interesting anymore and that she no longer finds her time with you valuable.

What to do when she loses interest? ›

Here are nine things you can consider trying if you're starting to feel like your partner is no longer attracted to you.
  1. Focus on your own self-worth. ...
  2. Remind your partner why they were attracted to you from the start. ...
  3. Make an effort to understand your partner's needs. ...
  4. Communicate what you're feeling.
Nov 21, 2018

What to do when gf pulls away? ›

Below, you'll find some tips for restoring your connection.
  1. Remain Calm. The first thing to do if you start feeling distance in your relationship is to remain calm. ...
  2. Try To See The Situation For What It Really Is. ...
  3. Write Your Thoughts & Feelings Down. ...
  4. Give Them Space. ...
  5. Find Ways To Meet Your Own Needs.
Jun 22, 2021

What is an example of a hot-cold empathy gap? ›

For example, physicians who medicate for pain are generally in a cold, pain-free state, treating patients who are in a hot state of pain. In such a situation, the cold-to-hot interpersonal empathy gap implies that physicians should underappreciate their patients' pain and hence undermedicate it.

Why do guys go quiet for a few days? ›

Many guys hate failing and feeling inadequate. They often don't have the speed of words to compete with their partner in a conflict. Men's emotional processing capacity is often much slower than their partner. Whilst being silent is a sign of a man's need to process it is also a way to avoid the feelings of defeat.

What is an example of intermittent reinforcement in a relationship? ›

Intermittent reinforcement (in the context of psychological abuse) is a pattern of cruel, callous treatment mixed in with random bursts of affection. The abuser hands out rewards such as affection, a compliment, or gifts sporadically and unpredictably throughout the abuse cycle.

Does giving her space ever work? ›

Yes. Whether you're in a long-term relationship or she's been a little confused lately, giving some space will make her miss you. It will also mean permitting her to grow independently and reduce the co-dependency on each other. The word 'space' is dreaded in relationships, but it isn't always a bad thing.

Why is my girlfriend acting so distant? ›

It's possible that the reason she's acting distant is that she's having some kind of crisis—emotional, financial, spiritual, you name it. Perhaps she's having issues with her work or parents or friends. Or perhaps everything is just okay but she feels empty, or lost, or sad.

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.

When your partner is emotionally distant? ›

An emotionally distant partner is someone who does not have access to their own emotions, and therefore cannot share them with you. In other words, they are not trying to hide things from you, but they cannot give what they don't have.

How do you know when it's time to end a friendship? ›

If your friend doesn't respect your feelings, it's an unhealthy relationship. Feeling anxious or negative in your friendship is a sign that it may be best to end it. Your friend is dishonest or holds back information. “Deep connections require trust,” Schmitt says.

What are the 4 stages of cold therapy? ›

You'll know when you've had the cold on long enough, by monitoring the four stages of cold treatment: The first stage is an uncomfortable feeling; the second stage is a stinging sensation; the third stage is burning or aching; the fourth stage is numbness.

How long to wait between ice and heat? ›

Ice & Heat Together

To achieve therapeutic results, you must do this in a very specific way. The key is to ice for 20 minutes, causing the vessels to narrow, and then heat for 15 minutes, causing the vessels to dilate. This acts as a pumping mechanism to the inflammation, pushing it away from the injured area.

How long should you wait between hot and cold therapy? ›

Do not apply ice for longer than 15 to 20 minutes at a time. And do not fall asleep with the ice on your skin. You may also want to try switching between heat and cold. Use heat for 15 to 20 minutes, then a few hours later use ice for 10 to 15 minutes.

What to do if your partner is hot and cold? ›

Tips to bear in mind when dating a hot and cold guy
  1. Don't come across as desperate. Resist the temptation to chase him, act unaffected when he acts cold. ...
  2. Give space – It's sometimes the best way to communicate. ...
  3. Flip the game of the hot and cold guy. ...
  4. Understand that you are not the problem. ...
  5. Confront, back off, and move on.
Jul 28, 2021

Is hot and cold Behaviour abusive? ›

Hot and cold behaviour does not always indicate abuse, but it can indicate someone who has been subjected to abuse. That being said, this form of destructive behaviour has to be addressed and not allowed to progress, as it can have calamitous effects on both parties.

What to do when girlfriend starts acting distant? ›

15 Things To Do If Your Partner Feels Distant
  1. Ask Questions. "Ask questions," psi counselor Laurel Clark tells Bustle. ...
  2. Acknowledge What Is Happening. ...
  3. Give Them Space. ...
  4. See If The Distance Is Intentional. ...
  5. Let Them Air Their Thoughts. ...
  6. Let Some Time Go By. ...
  7. Take An Honest Look At Yourself. ...
  8. Disregard Your Assumptions.
Sep 7, 2016

Why is she acting distant all of a sudden? ›

When a girl suddenly becomes distant, it means she saw something or maybe heard something that scared her, or she just felt that you were not genuine with her and she's taking a step back to make sure you're not fooling her.

How long should you let your partner cool down? ›

An hour or so might be reasonable (assuming neither of you have other time commitments), but longer may be necessary. Generally, more than twenty-four hours is too long as after that length of time it begins to feel like avoidance.

What are the 5 signs of emotional abuse? ›

5 Signs of Emotional Abuse
  • They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You. ...
  • They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy. ...
  • They are Possessive and/or Controlling. ...
  • They are Manipulative. ...
  • They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings.
May 23, 2017

Which are the 3 main warning signs that someone may be an abuser? ›

Warning Signs of an Abusive Person
  • Controlling Behavior. Constantly questions who you spend your time with, what you did/wore/said, where you went. ...
  • Quick Involvement. ...
  • Unrealistic Expectations. ...
  • Isolation. ...
  • Blames Others for Problems. ...
  • Blames Others for Feelings. ...
  • Hypersensitivity. ...
  • Disrespectful or Cruel to Others.

How do I give my girlfriend space without losing her? ›

Here's how to give someone space without losing them:
  1. Ask how much time they need. ...
  2. Find out what “space” looks like. ...
  3. Don't ask for an explanation. ...
  4. Thank them for communicating their needs. ...
  5. Honor their request. ...
  6. Encourage them to do their favorite things. ...
  7. Avoid constant texting. ...
  8. Do your own thing.
Jun 23, 2022

Why is my girlfriend emotionally distant? ›

They are under a great deal of stress. Emotional withdrawal is a common mechanism for coping with stress. Your partner may be experiencing some turmoil in their personal or professional life which may be causing them to pull away from you. Try talking to them about the levels of stress in their life.

How do I know if my girlfriend still loves me? ›

You'll know that she loves you if she prioritizes you, chooses you first, sees you as the prize, displays affection for you, and respects you. You'll feel the chemistry. It'll feel like energy pulling her toward you. The relationship will feel magnetic and natural.

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